that is a tad bit embarrassing and if you mention some parts to me during a baseball game, I will laugh and tactfully act like I have no idea what you’re talking about. (which would be too long for a title)
Jake: When are we going to move?
Dave: We aren’t going to move for a very long time.
Jake: maybe never?
Dave: I don’t know. We’ll move when God tells us it’s time to.
Jake: God is going to get us a new house?
Me: or a motor home. Maybe God will say, “Sell your house and all of your belongings and become a vagabond!” (this was done in my ‘God’ voice) and then we can travel all over the country seeing cool stuff.
Jake: We’d have to sell all of our stuff?
Jake: Maybe I could keep some toys.
Me: Stuff isn’t really part of the vagabond lifestyle. How about this: I’ll let you keep a library card and a deck of cards.
Dave: Jacob, we are not going to move for a very long time.
Jake: I’d like to pray.
Jake: Dear God, please let us be vagabonds, but please don’t ask me to get rid of all my toys.
(dave doing our finances)
Dave: What was this check for $20.80 to KCLS for?
Me: Oh, that was to the library.
Dave: For what?
Me: Um, overdue library books.
Dave: That’s ridiculous! Don’t you get email reminders?
Me: Yes. Think of it like a small rental fee. We check out hundreds of books a month. You say late fee, I say investment in our children’s future. Or you could think about it as an investment in the library. I’m sure it might even be tax deductible. Maybe, my forgetfulness is going to save us money in the long run.
Dave: That’s not how it works. That $20 is coming out of your budget!
Me: Wait! I have a budget? Okay. That’s fine. Instead of buying 6 bottles of wine, I’ll buy 3 boxes of wine. I’m sure that will save $20.
We watched Tombstone with the kids last night. It has been declared the new favorite movie by all three of the older ones.
Mike: Is there a part two to this movie?
Me: No, this is a true story. This is all there is.
All three kids: WHAT?!?!
Me: Next movie, Schindler’s list.
My favorite part of the movie: When Wyatt Earp meets the beautiful actress out on a horse ride. Queue romantic music.
Mike: I’m going to the bathroom. You don’t have to pause it. I don’t need to see this kissing part.
Marshall: Me either. I’ll be right back too.
About an hour into the movie, after 5 minutes of non-stop questions Dave pauses the movie.
Dave: Okay, Get it over with. Ask all your questions now.
Mike: Wouldn’t it be awesome if instead of a shot gun, Wyatt Earp had a portal gun and opened another dimension and aliens came out of it?
Dave: Does anyone have any questions that pertain to this movie, not a hypothetical movie?
This may be a little bit too much information, but I’ve recently had my magic removed. We aren’t trying for a baby, but my body just needed a little break.
Dave: What’s your plan.
Me: Think of it like a science experiment. I’m eliminating this variable and we’ll see if anything changes.
Dave: Um, like implantation?
Me: No. There are lots of other forms of contraception.
Dave: Then we should use them.
Which winded up that I had to go and purchase said contraception because I avoid the pharmacy like the plague.
Dave: So, is there something you wanted to tell me?
Me: About what?
Dave: Well, you bought “Make him last longer and her go faster”.
Me: Don’t read too far into that. I was standing in front of a whole display of these things and trying to figure out the per use cost – and do you know these things cost like a $1 each?!
Dave: Well worth it.
Me: And I didn’t know which ones to buy and I didn’t want to buy a jumbo pack which would lower the cost to like $0.45 per use, but what if I don’t like ribbed for her pleasure? and then we’d have 50 of these things left and I’m pretty sure they have no resale value on craigslist, at least, I hope people aren’t buying these off of craigslist. And if I had to throw them away, the per use cost would skyrocket to like $25.00
Dave: Again, well worth it.
Me: So, after I’d been standing here for a long time, seemingly engrossed in the condom display, I was rather embarrassed. What if someone I knew walked by while I’m engrossed on the condom aisle at Target?
Dave: Don’t be embarrassed because you have a sex life.
Me: The story I’m going with is either a)we’ve only done it 4 times or b)immaculate conception. Maybe one of these children could be Jesus’ brother.
So anyways, I was standing there embarrassed for standing on the ‘Family Planning’ Aisle, which should be renamed Anti-family planning aisle. So I bought the ones that fell right in the middle of the average range. And this was them. And to tell you the truth I didn’t look too closely at the box.
And then I had to add a few things to the cart so that I wouldn’t just be buying these and I’d have to endure that awkward moment with the checker. So I added a bottle of wine and some deodorant, bandaids and a package of socks. Then I artfully stacked them all on the conveyer belt so the contraception was on the bottom. Then I started the most animated conversation with the checker ever to distract her from what I was buying. So really, it doesn’t matter what the per use amount was for these things because I spent $40 on stuff I really didn’t need, well except for the wine. I needed the wine after that.
Dave: So you do know that $25 a pop is still much cheaper than a month of diapers right?
This week is VBS at our church. The Bible verse for Monday was 1Samuel16:7 People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
Mike looking over Dave’s shoulder while he was posting his blog on facebook: Dad, I think facebook is very much like today’s bible verse. All these people are judging by things on the outside.