Dear Jacob,
You were the unexpected blessing. Your dad and I wanted a baby so very badly. Less than a month after the honeymoon I was pregnant. Very quickly after, I was incredibly sick. I was sick all day and night long. I couldn’t keep anything down. I was miserable. There are many things that even now, I’m not to fond of eating. At six weeks pregnant I begged the doctor to see me. I didn’t think I could last much longer throwing everything up.
And that visit changed our lives. After peeing in a cup and a short talk with Gordy (our doctor) he shuffled us into an ultrasound room. That small dark room was a little bit scary. No one wants an ultrasound at 6 weeks, those are for the high risk moms. They’re for detecting problems and finding out horrible news.
I laid on the table with your Dad holding my hand, praying that everything was okay. As my uterus came into view on the screen, I saw you. I saw you and your brother, clear as day. Twins. The scariest, most exciting, terrifying, wonderful word ever.
I went home and checked out every book from the library that had anything to do with multiples. I read them cover to cover. I terrified myself. I mourned a little for my fantasies of the baby I thought I would have. The single baby. How would I carry two babies? I wouldn’t be able to use my sling. How would I love them? How could I fulfill the needs of two little helpless infants at the same time?
Two was rather unexpected. Two didn’t really fit into my plan.
My dear sweet happy baby, two is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Though two may not have been my plan, it was definitely God’s. My life would be very empty without you.
From the moment that I first held you, you have always brought me joy. You smiled so incredibly early. You are a smiling prodigy. You have the kind of smile that makes everyone smile around you. You have a smile that shines through your eyes. I love that you are quick to smile and quick to share your happiness with everyone around you.
You and Nathaniel are so different. He is dark, you are light. He has brown eyes, you have blue. His hair grows so quickly, and yours so incredibly slow.
He is shy, you are outgoing. Just today, you waved to everyone at the park, made quick friends and befriended a grandpa. All the while Nathaniel was content to hold my hand. Nate is quiet, you are a chatterbox. You talked early, and haven’t really taken a breather since. You love to hear yourself. Even if you don’t have much to say, you’ll find something. There is never a dull moment. Now that you’ve learned to reason and have a glimpse of logic, we are constantly entertained by the things you deduce. Like this morning when you told your sister it was your birthday.
McKayla: How old are you?
You: Five.
Mckayla: No you’re not. You’re three.
You. No, it’s my birthday. I am five. I get to choose!
I didn’t think today would be as hard for me as yesterday. I thought that all of the melancholy of yesterday would pass as we celebrated your birthday today. But it hasn’t. Because as time seems to pass so unexpectedly and quickly as Nathaniel grows, it seems to charge right along for you. Each day you are eager for new adventures and the possibility to do big things. You are always wanting to be a big kid. You want to play baseball with the big kids. You want to sleep with your big brothers. You want to ride your scooter when they go outside. You want to do school with them. You want to read. You want to be five.
I am not ready for five. Heck, I’m not even ready for three. I wish that I would have treasured more the times when you were an infant and wanted to be held for what seemed like hours on end. I know that soon all of the cuddling will turn to quick obligatory hugs between activities. I know that soon, before I know it, you won’t be little, you’ll be big.

Each day you’re shedding parts of the baby you once were. Little by little you are loosing a little bit of your baby fat. Your cheeks aren’t quite so pudgy. You’ve almost lost the dimple on your elbows. You’ve practically potty trained yourself. You know almost your whole alphabet and all the sounds. You know all your colors and can count to 6. You’re getting so big despite whatever I say.
The other day you told me “Every day, I’m getting bigger and soon I’ll be big enough”. And I know this, so acutely, I know this. That is the hardest part of loving you so very much. Knowing that each day, you are getting bigger and that one day, you’ll be big enough. Big enough for baseball. Big enough for high school. Big enough for college. I know that one day, you will be grown and married. You will be happy and surrounded by lots of people who love you because you are so incredibly lovable. One day, you’ll be big enough. Though I look forward to all of the wonderful things that you will achieve, I’m a little sad to see each day go.

My dear sweet baby that is the most wonderful, unexpected blessing your Dad and I could have ever hoped for, Happy Birthday! May this year be filled with exciting adventures just for a three-year-old!
Love,
Mom
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