And then

(internet, a little brief because I’m a terrible blogger.  Dave got a new job, we are/have moved out-of-state)

Sometimes you think your handling life rather well.  If there was a blue ribbon, you’d be first in line for it.  And then, you wonder what the heck happened, if there was a rock, you’d crawl under it and hide for at least a week.

My grandma died last week. Two days before the movers were coming to pack up my house.

Boy, is that hard to say.

On a cognitive level, I have so much peace with her death.  I was able to visit her only a few weeks ago.  I was able to tell her how much I loved her.  I got to hear how much she loved me.  I was able to pray with her.  I know she is in heaven.  I know she is with Jesus, happy and without the pain and restrictions of her body.  I know she was ready.

And because of that, I thought I was ready.  My heart ached for my grandpa, but I was okay.  I know if Dave died, I would probably cease to function.  I don’t think I would get out of bed.  The kids would call my mom and say, “Mom, hasn’t left her room in a week, but I’m not sure where all the alcohol bottles are coming from.  Every time we go in there, there seems to be more empty vodka bottles.  Does amazon deliver hooch?”  So my grief was aimed towards my grandpa.  I was sad that I would be 1000 miles away when he needs me most.  I was sad that I couldn’t bring him some tator tot casserole.

And then, when I called my best friend on my iphone, my fat clumsy fingers pressed the name above her.  Grandma.  And my grandma’s picture came up.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’ll never get to talk to my grandma again. Imagine some big heaping sobs.

****

The day before we left our home to start a new adventure I went to lunch with my best friends.  The girls that I have hung out with almost every day for the last two years.  It wasn’t a big deal.  It had been weeks of joking, “This might be the last time we’ll eat at Del Taco together”  “This might be the last girl’s night”, “give me a hug, I may never see you again.”  But then this was it.

But one is visiting me in July, so that’s not really a goodbye, that was just a see you later.  And I had promised to come over that evening to my other friend, so that wasn’t a goodbye.  And then that evening I borrowed something, so that wasn’t a goodbye, I was going to see her in the morning.

And then, the next day in the car on the way there, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This would be the last time I drove to her house, because she was moving too.  This would be the last time I would see her for at least a year because of logistical things like vacation hours and school terms and life.  And the next time I saw her, her baby wouldn’t be a baby.  He’d be a big boy.

Imagine big heaping sobs that didn’t pass for almost 300 miles.  That’s a lot of tears.  At some point I wondered if you could die of dehydration from crying.  Which made me cry even harder.

******

And the actual move, it’s an adventure!  One adventure after another.  We rented out our old house.  Yay, we are now real estate moguls!  The movers packed all of our stuff.  Yay! Aren’t I lucky that I don’t have to do any real work!  Yay!  The movers moved all our stuff including our dog house and van!  The most productive day when I never worked, my house was all put on a truck, I had a new fence installed!  A quick trip to southern California to see my family and a plane ride to Washington!  What an adventure!

And then once we’re here it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I have absolutely no idea where I am.  I am in a constant state of lost.  I have no idea where I am. The trees and the absence of street names, only numbers, constantly have me confused. I don’t know where my GPS is.  If my cell phone where to die, I might actually be lost forever.

I don’t know anyone.  It will be a long time before I find my circle of friends.

I miss my inlaws.

I have decided that though the idea of corporate housing sounds great, it isn’t.

********

I’ve been constantly talking about the future.  When we get to Washington, I’m going to sleep for a week.  I might never get out of bed, well at least not until the house closes.  But I have five little people who need me.

Once the moving truck pulls out of our driveway I can finally relax.

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

That’s when all the real work starts.  The finding of friends.  The placing of furniture.  The unpacking of boxes.  The painting.  The new floors (I will become a master of laying laminate flooring).  The parenting, trying to fix two months of late nights and too much tv and video games.

And then, Dave came home from work last night at 5:30, the earliest he’s been home in 3 years.

And then, as I drove to my new house, I live in the forest. I own some forest, I know that Pocahontas is probably rolling over in her grave over that, but, I *own* 1.5 acres of forest, well in 30 years, I’ll own it.

And then, after a day of dreary skies, the sun peaked from the clouds and everything glittered and it was beautiful.

I will choose to bloom where I am planted.