Last month I had to shop around for homeowners insurance. I wish that everything had a simple web page. I wish that you could fill in all of your pertinent information and then wait for the email offers from different companies start filtering into your inbox. Instead, I had to call around to every insurance company I could think. Each agent had different questions that they were required to ask.
Do you have a trampoline? no, but the kids really want one.
Do you plan to run a business out of your home. I hope not.
What is the foundation like? Good? I don’t know. Big? What are you looking for here?
What kind of roof do you have? shake.
How old is your roof? I have no idea. It’s in good shape though. No leaks! I heard it’s not as old as the house though.
How old is the house? I don’t know late 70’s
Do you know anything? No.
Are there any upgrades? Unfortunately no.
Is there a smoke detector? I don’t know. There will be one when we live there.
How far are you from the closest fire hydrant? I don’t know, but seriously we are moving to Washington, do things ever dry out enough to catch fire?
Do you want earthquake insurance? No, I’m pretty sure that my California earthquakes are going to trump your Washington earthquakes. When was the last time you had a big one?
Is there copper piping? seriously? I have no idea.
Would you like flood insurance? Does it flood there?
My personal favorite though:
Her: “Are there any animals?”
Me: ” I don’t know. I guess there could be wild animals. We live in the middle of the forest. We own 2 acres of forest. But it’s within a city block, so I’m not really sure. Do animals cross the street? We are only 5 miles from the closest Target and Jamba Juice, so I don’t think we are really in the animal danger zone. I think it would be cool if we had some deer. I’ve never actually seen any at the house though. I did see some squirrels. Do you know if the squirrels in Washington carry the Bubonic Plague. Really, what are you looking for?”
Her: I just wanted to know if you had any pets?
Me: Oh, we have a cat.
Her: Is it a predatory cat?
Me: I guess, all cats are kinda predatory. He’s cought a few dragonflies.
Her: I mean is it a tiger?
Me: No. felina domestica.
and I hung up from that conversation feeling like a moron. A moron, but safe, no predatory animals in my neighborhood.
And then I met George, our neighbor.
As I toured his acreage we talked about gardening and chickens and the possiblity of a minicow. I have decided that George and I will become great friends. In exchange for my 5 slave labor, weed pickers, rock diggers, chicken poop shovelers children, I plan to have the farm I’ve always wanted, just at his house not mine. I have all of the shade, while he has all of the sunlight. I have the trees and he has the meadow. He is an avid gardener, and I can’t wait to learn how to garden in the pacific northwest from him. Plus he works on the Xbox team and what could be more cooler than a gardening engineer?
George showed me his chickens, garden, compost pile, broken down tractor, green house and gave me a tour of the property. After 10 or 15 minutes I told him I really had to go, I hadn’t even told the kids I was going to be coming over.
Him: Don’t worry it’s a friendly forest. Unless if your a cat. My cat only has three legs and is missing a tail.
Me: Wow! Did he get run over.
Him: Well, yes. But he also got in a tangle with some kind of wild animal.
Me: Really? Are there any wild animals? Was it a rabid squirrel?
Him: Oh yes there are wild animals! Did you see the electric fence around the chicken coop? We have coyotes, land beavers, garden snakes, a resident cougar and there was a bear spotting about a mile up the road.
Me: What? A bear spotting? Have you seen the cougar?
Him: Yea, he likes to frolick in the field.
Me: Does he like to cross the street?
So far, my kids are a little bit frightened of the forest. Okay, terrified. They haven’t ventured very far in the tree line. Well, Mikey has, but that was because he was on a reconnaissance mission. He went into the forest wearing an army helmet and armed with a nerf gun. He was trailing the sound of kids. He found a toddler.
I haven’t told them about the animals. I did tell them about the snakes. I told them if they found a garden snake and brought it to me I’d give them a dollar. I should probably find a picture of a garden snake and show them before they come back with a rattlesnake. Or maybe they don’t even have rattle snakes here…
Overactiveovaries 
During his recon, did he look like this?: http://bit.ly/l6NoAM
Your neighbor, did he look like this?: http://bit.ly/jsFaVl
Are there yellow paint marks on the trees at the edge of the forest?: http://bit.ly/kjHuJ2
I don’t know why, but I feel like I should call you C. Night Gaines…
If I visit, I’m putting these in your trees. http://bit.ly/mbCirW
If you want the kids to stay away from the woods, add a piece of wood out there like this: http://bit.ly/lNqf9v
I grew up in the country, but you have me thinking things like that, and now I’M afraid to go in the woods! I’m also afraid to try and buy insurance!
that was the dumbest movie ever! But that totally looks like George!!!!
That is incredibly creepy! 🙂
How about you give them an older boy scout handbook, point out the things you want them to find as well as point out the things they shouldn’t touch or get near. Animal tracks, poisonous plants and animals, etc.
What a great idea!!!