Sometimes a houseguest isn’t always wanted…

I’ve been watching a lot of Hoarders.  I have learned a few things:

1)  We’re all just one tragedy from becoming a Hoarder.

2)  Hoarders mostly live in Washington state.

3)  Hoarders usually have a rodent problem.

With this new-found knowledge I’m very careful about becoming a Hoarder.  I already live in Washington, so one more tragedy and I’ll be weaving a pathway between my trash and inundated with mouse poo.

Last week I opened the cupboard under my bathroom sink and I saw mouse poo.  I screamed and promptly shut the cupboard.  I then shut the bathroom door and shut my bedroom door.  I called Dave and told him we had a rodent problem.

Dave:  You know we bought three hamsters at Petsmart a few weeks ago.  They told us they were all girls.  Did you just discover that one was not?

Me:  No!  An unwanted rodent problem.

Dave:  I didn’t want those hamsters!

Me:  There is mouse poo under my bathroom sink!!!

Dave:  Oh.

When he came home from work Dave asked me if I had caught the mouse yet.

Me:  Um no.  I shut the door and I am pretending it does not exist. 

Dave:  Did you at least clean up the poo?

Me:  No!  I told you I am pretending it does not exist.  Plus I think if anything defines itself in the realm of boy jobs it would be rodent control and clean up.  I have never seen a female exterminator.

After dinner Dave tackled the mouse while I gave Nate and Jake a bath in the hall bathroom.  The bathrooms share a common wall so I could hear him.

Dave:  WOW!  THIS IS A LOT OF POO! 

Dave came into the hall bathroom.

Dave:  There is no way that a mouse did all of this in one day!  Maybe this is old poo and it got knocked loose?

Me: Are you a mouse poo expert?  Do you know if it’s old poo or new poo?  Did you clean it up?

Dave:  No, No, and No.  I was giving you my opinion before I tackled it. 

Me:  Maybe it’s not just one mouse, maybe there was a large mouse party under our sink.  Oh gosh.  We could have mice everywhere.  Maybe we’re infested!  Maybe the mice are making a little community within our walls.  Pretty soon all of the kids toys are going to go missing because they will be used in mice homes.  

Dave:  I think you’ve seen one too many Disney movies.  I’m sure it’s just one.

As Dave cleaned up the mess he began to get to know our little visitor a little bit better.

Dave:  It seems as if our uninvited guest has a sweet tooth.  Or maybe he was constipated and had a cough.

Me:  How do you know?  Are you now a mouse poo whisperer.

Dave:  He has been living off of cough drops and ex-lax.

Me:  I guess that would explain all of the poo.  What are we going to do about it.

Dave:  I don’t know.  We should play Lego Harry Potter.

Me:  Okay, But first I’m going to lock Frank in there.

Dave:  Why?

Me:  So he can earn his keep.  I don’t even know why we have a mouse, we have a cat.  I’m disappointed in Frank.

Dave:  He’s never going to catch him. 

Me:  He better catch him.  I’m going to stop feeding him if he doesn’t!  If we’re going to have mice, he can eat them. 

After playing Harry Potter, while drinking wine and eating chocolate to lower my anxiety we decided to call it a night.

Me:  Hold on, I have to put my chocolate in the fridge.

Dave:  Just put it in the pantry.

Me:  No!  Our mouse has a sweet tooth.  I don’t want him to discover this chocolate!

Dave:  If the mouse discovers the pantry, I think we’ll have a bigger problem than missing chocolate!

Me:  This is good Finish chocolate.  If our mouse eats this chocolate than I have to wait until I know someone going to Finland.  It could be years before that happens.  I am preventing this mouse from causing me years of sadness.

Dave:  Whatever.  While you secure the chocolate I’m going to check on Frank.

Dave:  GOOD JOB FRANK!  You can drop him now.  NOOOOOO!!!

Me:  What happened.

Dave:  Frank caught the mouse.  I told him to drop it so I could throw it out.  Turns out Franks not a killer. 

Me:  He must believe in the judicial system.  Maybe he’s against capital punishment.  You don’t think he’s a democat do you?  Get it?  Democrat.  DemoCAT!!!  Hahaha!

Dave:  I think you had too much wine. 

Me:  Perhaps.  This mouse is very stressful for me.  I hope this isn’t the tragedy that turns me into a hoarder.  The trifecta may have just come together. 

Dave:  Anyways, He dropped the mouse and the mouse ran behind the cupboard.  Hopefully he mortally wounded him. 

Me:  Oh gosh!  Lock Frank in there and I think we might need to start drinking Vodka.