A few weeks ago someone called me asking if I wanted a free Android Tablet. My response was, “Of course I do!” Then we proceeded to have a 10 minute long conversation in which she asked many questions to make sure that we had the disposable income to spend lots of money on her buying club. I was pretty frustrated at this point because, heck I agreed to come to your dumb schpeel, I need no more convincing. Now she was just inconveniencing my evening. Then for an extra $200 restaurant.com gift card we took an internet tour of their club. After probably thirty minutes I had a confirmation letter allowing me the privilege of coming to their buying club.
Me: Hey Dave! I just got us a free android tablet!
Him: Awesome! How’d you do that?
Me: We just have to go to a high pressure sales seminar and you need to tell them no and badabing badaboom! It’s ours!
Him: We don’t need an android tablet. We have 2 ipads. You have a kindle and I work on a team that MAKES TABLETS!
Me: But it will be fun!
So, after many reminder phone calls, last week Dave and I finally went to the high pressure sales pitch.
Them (handing us a paper with everything you could ever think of buying): Please circle all of the things that you think you’ll purchase in your life time.
Dave circled: chandelier, grand father clock, and high end toilet. I circled “baby”. Heck, if they can get me a discount on a baby, maybe I can convince dave we need one.
Me: Which catalog does a baby come in?
I can’t tell you how many times they told me to be there at 6:50 because we would be starting promptly at 7. If we were late, we would not be admitted and we would loose out on this great opportunity to join in on their buying club.
Me: It’s 7:03
Me: It’s 7:10
Them: We’re just waiting for one more couple.
Me: It’s 7:12
And around 7:15 we started our tour. It was like a perpetual game of the Price Is Right.
Him: How much do you think this leather jacket retails for at your favorite store?
Couple 1: $500
Couple 2: $600
Couple 3: $250
Host: I want to shop where you shop!
Dave: $1 I’m pretty sure you all overbid.
Host: Well, with our club, you can purchase this leather jacket for just $45.86
Dave: Yes! I won!!!
Couple 1: Oh, my gosh!!! You’re kidding me!!!! How is that possible!!! That’s awesome!!!!
Couple 2: WOW!! How about leather pants? Can I buy leather pants?? WHAT A GREAT DEAL!!!
repeat with the high end, air compressor, boots, bamboo flooring, bbq, king size bed.
The whole time Couple 1 and 2 were incredibly enthusiastic. Couple one always responded with an OMG reaction and couple 2 always responded with some other random thing they could purchase.
Couple one actually said “Oh my gosh, I think I might poop my pants!!!” at one point. Who says that?
Host: You guys are already part of “the retail club”, come be part of our wholesale club! For just $6000 and $200 a year you can buy everything you can think of for wholesale prices!
Dave: Can I buy apple products?
Host: No.
Dave: How about bose speakers?
Host: No.
Dave: A springform trampoline?
Host: No.
Dave: So I can buy anything wholesale but the stuff I’m thinking of…
Host: But all the other things you can think of can be purchased at wholesale prices. 40% of your income goes to being part of the retail game. By joining our whoelsale club you can now buy 40% more stuff.
Me: Like a baby?
Host: We really don’t sell babies.
Me: Oh.
If you haven’t been to one of these high pressure sales pitches, you probably don’t know that there are many tiers to pressure and guilt. First is the host who tells you all about the great deal. He doesn’t mention money or cost, he just gets you super excited to buy. Then comes the money guy who tries to convince you to purchase his deal for an obscene amount of money. When you refuse he passes you off to the high pressure/high guilt salesman who tries to convince you again. If you refuse he offers you a sweeter deal. If you are still standing firm, he passes you off yet again. The final guy the sort of guy who might moonlight as a used car salesman and a hit man for the mofia. He offers you a backdoor-fell-off-the-truck sort of deal. When you still won’t bite, he’ll disgustedly pass you off to the girl handing out prizes.
Dave is particularly suited to going to these things because he has no problem saying no and he does not operate by guilt, peer pressure, or propaganda tactics.
After we heard the shpeel, toured the facility and played a few more rounds of “the price is right” where dave won with his $1 bid every time, we sat down with the money guy. We were lucky and got the owner of the club. I think it’s because they knew we were going to be a hard sale. Unfortunately for the poor guy, he didn’t see us coming. He was a doctor and an engineer. He underestimated dave’s ability to keep people off topic. Every time he’d start to talk about all the stuff we could buy dave would start talking about defibrillators and pace makers. Then we found out he also tried law school. This guy is seriously the most educated salesman ever!
He looks at our list of future products we might buy in our life time and sees chandelier, high end toilet and baby circled. He ignores our list
Him: What was the last piece of furniture you bought.
Dave: I can’t remember the last piece of furniture that didn’t come from either my friends, family, or the side of the road.
Me: I love Ikea!
Him: I think you guys are at the point in your lives where you might want to start thinking about investing in some high quality things. Sure you could go to Ikea and spend $100 on a dresser, but with our club, you could spend a little bit more and end up with some high quality furniture that will last a long time.
Me: I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think we buy enough “stuff” to make this worth it for us.
Him: Everyone buys stuff.
Me: Not me, I’m a producer.
Him: Everyone is a a consumer. No one is a producer.
Me: No, really, I’m a producer. I’m an urban farmer. I produce stuff. The thought of spending money so that I can buy more disturbs me a little bit.
And this folks is how it’s done. He didn’t bring in the ringers or the guilters. He knew we were a lost cause. He handed us off to the lady who gave us our tablet and off we went. Well, off to the ER, because apparently that’s what we now do on Thursdays.
Overactiveovaries 