you wouldn’t believe it

I have this looooong list of possible topics I should blog about.  I keep a little file on my laptop of the funny things my kids say and do.  It’s a list I don’t share on facebook, because I need to hold back some material if I ever decide to write a blog.  Every time I add something new I think about actually logging into wordpress and writing something and then more pressing things require my attention.

Things like repeatedly feeding the masses of hungry mouths that seem to be hungry the moment they leave the table.  I think I might start teaching my children to expand their culinary skills outside of pancakes, waffles, and quesadillas and scrambled eggs, and then I will stop cooking all together.

It’s also possible that the lure of cleaning my house and doing the monotonous job of laundry always pulls me away.  Never mind, no one would believe that.

Or maybe it’s the latest book I’m reading that is so much more enticing than actually putting finger to keyboard.  I started pinning the books I have read in 2012 on Pinterest.  Currently, I’ve read more than 60 books.   I had no idea that I read so much.  Before you get all jealous, you should go check out the list of books,  but be sure not to judge me too much.  I guess it was the year of zombies, vampires and smut.  I’d like to say that’s not typical, but obviously it is.

Without further ado, enjoy the hilarity.

We’re classy

We only have two rules for what you can wear for church.  (1) A shirt with a collar.  (2) No holes in your pants.

Sometimes, these rules lead to an exciting outfit combination. I know you love those black and gray plaid pants combined with the red and white shirt.  This was also paired with rain boats.  It was stellar at Sunday School.

***

For whatever reason, Boy Scout of America has decided that every registered person in scouts NEEDS a magazine.  Dave and I each get Scouting magazine and both Marshall and Michael get Boy’s Life.  They come bundled together in a shrink wrapped package monthly.  I disperse them throughout the house (aka in various bathrooms).  Personally, I never read them (it might have something to do with the 63 books I’ve read this year).  It turns out that I’m the only one in our family who does not.

McKayla:  Yes!  The new Boy’s Life magazine.  I love Boy’s Life.

Dave:  yeah, it’s a pretty good magazine.  Lots of girls read it.

McKayla:  I always read the “Scouts saving lives” section and then if the guy is cute I’ll go add him on Facebook.

***

Continuing on the scouting theme:

Marshall:  I’m really glad that I’m in scouts.

Me:  Me too.  Why are you glad?

Marshall:  They’re teaching me good life skills.  If I decide to be homeless I can totally pack a backpack full of all the necessary essentials.  Really, everything a homeless guy needs is right here on my back.

I’m not sure if Boy Scouts of America wants to go with the slogan, “Teaching Boys how to survive being homeless for over 100 years!”

***

McKayla:  Can I invite some people over this weekend.

Mike interjects:  Yes, as long as it’s less than 2.

(this still cracks me up.  We were all so surprised by his quick wit)

***

Recently Nathaniel and Jacob have started playing Lego Harry Potter on the xbox.  I don’t think they have any concept of the rules of the game, the object or how to actually win, but they have a great time doing it.  For those of you who don’t know, the XBOX Kinect has voice commands.  Theoretically, you can control the whole system with your voice.  I can browse the internet by saying, “XBOX BING ‘The Walking Dead'” and lots of movies and games will pop up at the sound of my voice.  We frequently browse and turn off our system with this method.

Nate:  Mommy!  Mommy!  Hurry come quick we can’t get off this level.

Me:  Who is the expert at Xbox?  Definitely not me.  (I was thinking he’d go to Marshall or Michael)

Nate: “oooooo  I have an idea!”  He runs into the other room. “XBOX!  GET US OUT OF THIS LEVEL”

***

Me (during some reading to the boys):  What are skills?

Jake:  I know!  They’re like bones, bones in your head.

Nate:  No, those are skulls.  It’s like nails.  They are long and twisty (he proceeds to turn in a circle) and you need a skill driver.

Maybe I should have their hearing checked.

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The fun never stops

Me:  Nate and Jake!  Please go check to see if the chickens laid any eggs.

I find myself constantly keeping an ear out for the loud clucking which sometimes signals a chicken laying an egg.  Sometimes it signals nothing.  I think they know we come running when they get noisy.  Yes, they are training us well.  I am hoping that eventually the ladies will become more regular about their laying times. 

Nate:  Nope.  The chickens didn’t poop any eggs!  And I’m not eating the chicken’s eggs.

Me:  Why?

Nate: Because there is poop all over them.

Me:  No there isn’t.

Nate:  When they poop them out they get poop on the eggs.

Me:  Nate, they don’t poop eggs, they lay them.  They do not come out of their butts.

Nate:  I’m still not eating them.

 ***

We were trying to pick a movie to watch at the movie theater, which is quite a big deal over here. Since we don’t have network tv, we really have no idea what is out and what might be good.  We were watching all of the previews online for all the movies rated PG and below.  At the end of the the trailer for Brave, the announcer asks “If you could change your faith, would you?”

Jake:  I wouldn’t.

Me:  I like that answer.  Why wouldn’t you change your fate?

Jake:  Well, what kind of feet would I get?  I like my feet.  What if I got really ugly feet like the chickens.

 ***

I bought a flea collar for Frank.  Inadvertently, I purchased a purple one.  He’s stylish, channeling his inner diva.

After I put it on the cat, he went outside to join the boys in tormenting  loving the bunny.

I walked outside to see Jacob swinging the flea collar around like a lasso.

Me:  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

Jake:  Look what I found on Frank!  How do you think he got this?  (at the kitty strip club?  What kind of question is that?)

Me:  I put it on him.

Jake:  But why?  It is purple?  Frank is a boy.  Why did you give him a girl necklace?

Me:  It is a flea collar.  It will keep the fleas away.  That is poison.  Go wash your hands RIGHT now WITH SOAP!

(Jacob comes back sobbing)

Me:  Why are you crying?

Jake:  I love Frank, I don’t want him to die.

Me:  He’s not going to die.  He is completely safe.

Jake:  But I can never pet Frank again.

Me:  You can still pet him.

Jake:  But then I have to wash my hands all the time.  No thank you!

And the next 4 hours were filled with a  nonstop barrage of flea collar questions and tattling on Nathaniel for touching the flea collar.  I’m pretty sure our bathroom hasn’t seen so much action since we had baby chickens.

Jake:  MOM!!!  NATE TOUCHED THE FLEA COLLAR AND HE WON’T WASH HIS HANDS!!!

Me:  Jake. Stop tattling.  He will be fine.

About twenty minutes later I found Jake on his bed crying.

Me:  Why are you crying now?

Jake:  How long until Nate dies?  Do you think it will be today?

Me:  NATE!  GO WASH YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW!  WITH SOAP!!!

It’s been a long week.

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the disjointed post

that is a tad bit embarrassing and if you mention some parts to me during a baseball game, I will laugh and tactfully act like I have no idea what you’re talking about.  (which would be too long for a title)

Jake:  When are we going to move?

Dave:  We aren’t going to move for a very long time.

Jake:  maybe never?

Dave:  I don’t know.  We’ll move when God tells us it’s time to.

Jake:  God is going to get us a new house?

Me:  or a motor home.  Maybe God will say, “Sell your house and all of your belongings and become a vagabond!”  (this was done in my ‘God’ voice) and then we can travel all over the country seeing cool stuff.

Jake:  We’d have to sell all of our stuff?

Me:  Yep.

Jake:  Maybe I could keep some toys.

Me:  Stuff isn’t really part of the vagabond lifestyle. How about this:  I’ll let you keep a library card and a deck of cards.

Dave:  Jacob, we are not going to move for a very long time.

Later

Jake:  I’d like to pray.

Me:  okay.

Jake:  Dear God, please let us be vagabonds, but please don’t ask me to get rid of all my toys.

***

(dave doing our finances)

Dave:  What was this check for $20.80 to KCLS for?

Me:  Oh, that was to the library.

Dave:  For what?

Me:  Um, overdue library books.

Dave:  That’s ridiculous!  Don’t you get email reminders?

Me:  Yes.  Think of it like a small rental fee.  We check out hundreds of books a month.  You say late fee, I say investment in our children’s future.  Or you could think about it as an investment in the library.  I’m sure it might even be tax deductible.  Maybe, my forgetfulness is going to save us money in the long run.

Dave:  That’s not how it works. That $20 is coming out of your budget!

Me:  Wait!  I have a budget?  Okay.  That’s fine.  Instead of buying 6 bottles of wine, I’ll buy 3 boxes of wine.  I’m sure that will save $20.

Dave:  Nevermind.

 ***

We watched Tombstone with the kids last night.  It has been declared the new favorite movie by all three of the older ones.

Mike: Is there a part two to this movie?

Me:  No, this is a true story.  This is all there is.

All three kids: WHAT?!?!

Me:  Next movie, Schindler’s list.

***

My favorite part of the movie:  When Wyatt Earp meets the beautiful actress out on a horse ride.  Queue romantic music.

Mike:  I’m going to the bathroom.  You don’t have to pause it.  I don’t need to see this kissing part.

Marshall:  Me either.  I’ll be right back too.

About an hour into the movie, after 5 minutes of non-stop questions Dave pauses the movie.

Dave:  Okay, Get it over with.  Ask all your questions now.

Mike:  Wouldn’t it be awesome if instead of a shot gun, Wyatt Earp had a portal gun and opened another dimension and aliens came out of it?

Dave:  Does anyone have any questions that pertain to this movie, not a hypothetical movie?

 ***

This may be a little bit too much information, but I’ve recently had my magic removed.   We aren’t trying for a baby, but my body just needed a little break.

Dave:  What’s your plan.

Me:  Think of it like a science experiment.  I’m eliminating this variable and we’ll see if  anything  changes.

Dave:  Um, like implantation?

Me:  No.  There are lots of other forms of contraception.

Dave:  Then we should use them.

Which winded up that I had to go and purchase said contraception because I avoid the pharmacy like the plague.

Dave:  So, is there something you wanted to tell me?

Me:  About what?

Dave:  Well, you bought “Make him last longer and her go faster”.

Me:  Don’t read too far into that.  I was standing in front of a whole display of these things and trying to figure out the per use cost – and do you know these things cost like a $1 each?!

Dave:  Well worth it.

Me:  And I didn’t know which ones to buy and I didn’t want to buy a jumbo pack which would lower the cost to like $0.45 per use, but what if I don’t like ribbed for her pleasure?  and then we’d have 50 of these things left and I’m pretty sure they have no resale value on craigslist, at least, I hope people aren’t buying these off of craigslist. And if I had to throw them away, the per use cost would skyrocket to like $25.00

Dave:  Again, well worth it.

Me:  So, after I’d been standing here for a long time, seemingly engrossed in the condom display, I was rather embarrassed.  What if someone I knew walked by while I’m engrossed on the condom aisle at Target?

Dave:  Don’t be embarrassed because you have a sex life.

Me:  The story I’m going with is either a)we’ve only done it 4 times or b)immaculate conception.  Maybe one of these children could be Jesus’ brother.

So anyways, I was standing there embarrassed for standing on the ‘Family Planning’ Aisle, which should be renamed Anti-family planning aisle.  So I bought the ones that fell right in the middle of the average range.  And this was them. And to tell you the truth I didn’t look too closely at the box.

And then I had to add a few things to the cart so that I wouldn’t just be buying these and I’d have to endure that awkward moment with the checker.  So I added a bottle of wine and some deodorant, bandaids and a package of socks.  Then I artfully stacked them all on the conveyer belt so the contraception was on the bottom.  Then I started the most animated conversation with the checker ever to distract her from what I was buying.  So really, it doesn’t matter what the per use amount was for these things  because I spent $40 on stuff I really didn’t need, well except for the wine.  I needed the wine after that.

Dave:  So you do know that $25 a pop is still much cheaper than a month of diapers right?

***

This week is VBS at our church. The Bible verse for Monday was 1Samuel16:7 People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Mike looking over Dave’s shoulder while he was posting his blog on facebook:  Dad, I think facebook is very much like today’s bible verse.  All these people are judging by things on the outside.

Ouch.

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