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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Having a teen isn’t always fun.  Sometimes you want to beat your head against a brick wall and then crawl into a deep whole.  Then sometimes they say things that knock your socks off.  Either they are incredibly insightful, sensitive and sweet or they are hilariously funny.

lol

Having a teenager isn’t half bad.

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photo circa 2010

During a drive to an All Star game, Marshall learned an incredibly fun car game.  He then brought said car game into my car.

The rules are easy, if you see a yellow car, you scream “CHICKEN!”.

They are so easy, that you don’t even have to explain the rules, you just start playing.

Driving down the road in the middle of Seattle.

Marshall:  CHICKEN!!!!

Me:  Where?  I don’t see a chicken.

Marshall:  It’s a game.  If you see a yellow car you say Chicken.  I have one point.

(a cacophony of “chicken”, “chicken”, “chicken” starts from the back seat.)

Marshall:  No, I already got that one.  Find your own.

What I have learned from this game:

My family is creative.

Dave:  Duck!  Yellow boat!

Marshall: Rooster!  Construction vehicles!

Dave:  Chick!  Mini Cooper!

My children are creative with rules.

Marshall:  CHICKEN!!!

Me:  That car is not yellow, it’s beige.

Marshall:  It’s kind of yellow.

Me:  No, it’s not even close.

My children will argue to the death about whose chicken it is.

Mike:  CHICKEN!!!

Nate:  CHICKEN!!!

Mike:  I saw it first!

Nate:  No, I saw it first, you just said it faster.

bicker, bicker, bicker.

Me:  We are now playing the quiet game.  On your mark, set, GO!

My children don’t hesitate to find an advantage.

Jake:  ANGEL OF DARKNESS!!!!

everyone:  What??

Jake:  That’s what you call the black cars.  I’m not looking for yellow cars.  The Angel of Darkness beats a chicken.  I’m winning.

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Let me tell you some things about chickens that I didn’t really know before we got them.

Now, so that you don’t think I just willy nilly jumped into this whole “urban farmer” thing, I did do research on owning chickens.  I read a few books, looked at a few internet resources, visited some chickens at a local farm.  Still there were some dots, that I apparently, didn’t connect:

They poo alot.  When I say a lot, what I really mean is an obscene amount.  Like they poo so big you wonder if maybe one of them might actually be a German Shepherd in disguise.

I don’t know why I didn’t know this one:  Chickens are birds.  They poo on the go.  They have no compunction about letting it go anytime, anywhere.   I envisioned our ladies pooing in the grass which would then fertilizing the grass. I thought the whole chicken tractor was ingenious, they pood on the grass, we didn’t have to deal with the poo.  It just worked its magic, I would have an amazing lawn.  I didn’t imagine their home being full of chicken poo, not to mention the grass.   Turns out they mostly poo where they sleep.  They are disgusting like that.

Chickens, really, really, really love their homes.

We decided to adopt a baby bunny while dave was away at camp, because that’s what I do when he’s gone.  I adopt animals.  It’s the whole absence of the voice of reason which compels me to do it.

I decided that the bunny shall live outside, mostly so that Frank the killer cat won’t eat her.  In the winter time I’m sure that she’ll spend a fair amount of time inside, and Frank and her will become best friends and love each other, and you will see thousands of adorable cat/bunny snuggling pictures.  For now, survival.

The coop my dad built said that it was good for 6-9 hens, but my ladies seemed a little bit cramped.  I don’t think they minded it, but I did.  I had a brilliant idea to house the bunny in the chicken coop and house the chickens in the dog run temporarily until Dave came home and we could decide on more suitable living arrangements.

I didn’t actually go out and look at the dog run, but I envisioned it, and in my head it had a concrete floor.  It also already had a dog house in it and we moved a doghouse here, so that’s two dog houses.  Plenty of shelter for my ladies.  I knew it wasn’t ideal for my gals, but I figured that they would be safe from predators because it’s a well constructed chain link space and there were two shelters for them to hang out in if they were cold.

The kids and I went to the feed store and bought a bail of hay to lay over the concrete floor to keep their little feet comfortable.

Feed guy:  Do you want a full bail or a half bail?

Me:  Definitely a full bail.  I have a really big space to cover and I read that it should be about 3 inches thick.

He loaded it into dave’s toyota camry trunk.  He had these awesome bailing hooks that he plopped it into the car and then pushed and shoved until the trunk closed.

Feed guy:  Good luck getting that out!

We drove home and Mike and I pulled and tugged and pushed and finagled the hay out of the trunk.  We loaded it onto the twins Radio Flyer wagon and pulled it to the dog run.

Me:  Huh.  The floor isn’t concrete.  Wow!  That dog house is HUGE!  It probably used to house a bull mastiff or something!  Oh, well let’s do this!

Turns out we had about 3/4 a bail of hay left over.

The ladies were having an amazing time being free range while Mike and I scrubbed and cleaned the chicken coop rabbit hutch.  In a perfect world, I would let them free range all day long.  But they like to hang out near the house, which brings us back to the poo.  The first time they decided to hang out on the porch was the last time they got to hang out unsupervised.  Sometime around 5pm we decided it was time to introduce the ladies to their new home.

Normally if they are out foraging we call them, bring their feeder out and they come running to their home.  Mike filled their feed tray with food and we slowly led them to their new home.

They refused to go inside. 

5:15  Still trying to get the chickens in by tricking them with food.

Mike:  Okay, how about I will slowly back into the dog run with their food and you get behind them and scare them in.

Me:  Okay.

Chickens can fly.  Screaming (by mom).

Mike:  Okay, how about I slowly back into the dog run with their food and you scare them with this blue frisbee.  They hate this blue frisbee.

Me:  Okay

Chickens can fly.  Screaming (by mom).

5:30 

Me:  Maybe we should try a new tactic.  How about catching them?

6:00 Still trying to catch them

6:15

Me:  YES!!!  I GOT ONE!!!

6:20

Me:  YES!!! I GOT ANOTHER ONE!   HURRY MIKE OPEN THE DOOR BUT BLOCK THE CHICKEN INSIDE!!!

7:00  They are all finally in their new home.  They are NOT happy!

Normally around 8, the ladies turn in.  They are tired after a long day of hunting for bugs and preening their feathers.

8:15 We hear the biggest chicken racket we’ve ever heard.  We all run outside fully expecting to find some sort of predator with one of our poor ladies in his mouth.

We find them all huddled by the chicken run door crying.  They all have their little necks stretched out longingly looking at their coop across the yard.   If they could talk they’d say, “We want to go home! Please let us out of this jail.”

We all sat around talking to them soothingly.

9:00 They quieted down so we went out to check on them.  As soon as they saw us they started crying again at the door.

It was incredibly sad.

The next day when I went out to check on them they were all sleeping at the door.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen them all sleeping at the same time in the middle of the day.  They must have had a hard night.

After we got our bunny and put her in her new home, we let the ladies out to roam around to cheer their little hearts.
They all immediately ran to their coop.  They all jumped back aghast when they saw the sweet little bunny. They all had an astonished look on their little chicken faces.

They’d walk away and eat some bugs and come back to see if things had changed.

They’d walk away and roll around in the dirt and come back to see if things had changed.

We left them out all afternoon and evening hoping that they would go into the dog run.  They never did.  They all huddled around their coop pathetically.  Poor things.

We tried the food trick.  It worked until we got near the dog run and then they all ran away.

Fortunately, the catching was much easier this time around but they weren’t much happier.  I’m hoping that they don’t all decide to revolt and escape like in that movie Chicken Run.

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Finally, finally, finally, It looks like Marshall is starting to enjoy boyscouts.  He was never a huge fan of cubscouts and I’m pretty sure he would quite boyscouts at any moment if we let him.  He’s not a huge fan of the outdoors or the water or bugs or animals or pretty much anything else that scouts do.

Recently though he’s let it slip that he is enjoying scouts more and more.

This week as he was getting ready to go to scout camp:

Marshall: “I think I’m going to sign up for every hiking trip this year.  I really like backpacking.”

Me (what I thought about saying):  What the heck are you talking about?!!??  Who are you and what have you done with my kid.

Me (what I really said):  That sounds like fun.

***

Me:  Are you going to be able to fit all of this stuff in your pack?

Marshall:  Ya.

Me:  Where are your clothes?

Marshall:  I don’t need any.  I’m gonna wear this. (motions to the clothes he’s wearing).

Me:  You know you’re going to be gone for a week.  That’s 7 days.

Marshall:  Okay.  I’ll bring a pair of underwear.

Me:  I am so glad I’m not going on this trip!

***

Me:  Do you have everything on the list (the two page list front and back which is supposed to fit inside a 60L backpack)

Marshall: I have everythign I need.  It says toilet paper, but I don’t need toilet paper.

Me:  I’m so glad I’m not going on this trip!

***

Marshall and I went to 5 thrift stores before 11AM looking for an extra pair of boyscout pants (because they cost $45) and a new scout shirt (because they cost $40) and a pair of water shoes (because Marshall will never wear them after this week).

We ended up finding a pair of pants $4, a brand new scout shirt $6, water shoes $5, a 1953 edition of a BSA scout book and a 1953 edition of the Patrol Leader’s handbook $6, another $10 of books (because how can you not resist a new-to-you book), an ice cream maker ball $4, an emergency whistle $1, a snazzy pair of orange crocs in Marshall’s size $4, and 2 dresses (for me) $10.

Me:  So which shoes are you taking?

Marshall:  Well, I was thinking about taking the water shoes because of the lake.  But I don’t like water shoes, so I was thinking of bringing the crocs because I like them and I could wear them to the shower.  And my hiking boots.  And maybe just my tennis shoes.

Me:  No clothes but 4 pairs of shoes…

Marshall:  Ya, I think I’d get laughed at if I bring four pairs of shoes.

Me:  I’m so glad I’m not going on this trip!

***

McKayla (to Dave):  Do you get cell service at the camp?

Dave:  I don’t know.  I’m guessing not.

McKayla:  What are you going to do there!!!

Dave:  Um, camp stuff.

McKayla:  I am so glad I’m not going!

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A few weeks ago someone called me asking if I wanted a free Android Tablet.  My response was, “Of course I do!”  Then we proceeded to have a 10 minute long conversation in which she asked many questions to make sure that we had the disposable income to spend lots of money on her buying club.  I was pretty frustrated at this point because, heck I agreed to come to your dumb schpeel, I need no more convincing.   Now she was just inconveniencing my evening.  Then for an extra $200 restaurant.com gift card we took an internet tour of their club.  After probably thirty minutes I had a confirmation letter allowing me the privilege of coming to their buying club.

Me:  Hey Dave!  I just got us a free android tablet!

Him: Awesome!  How’d you do that?

Me:  We just have to go to a high pressure sales seminar and you need to tell them no and badabing badaboom!  It’s ours!

Him:  We don’t need an android tablet.  We have 2 ipads.  You have a kindle and I work on a team that MAKES TABLETS!

Me:  But it will be fun!

So, after many reminder phone calls, last week Dave and I finally went to the high pressure sales pitch.

Them (handing us a paper with everything you could ever think of buying):  Please circle all of the things that you think you’ll purchase in your life time.

Dave circled: chandelier, grand father clock, and high end toilet.  I circled “baby”.  Heck, if they can get me a discount on a baby, maybe I can convince dave we need one.

Me:  Which catalog does a baby come in?

I can’t tell you how many times they told me to be there at 6:50 because we would be starting promptly at 7.  If we were late, we would not be admitted and we would loose out on this great opportunity to join in on their buying club.

Me:  It’s 7:03

Me:  It’s 7:10

Them:  We’re just waiting for one more couple.

Me:  It’s 7:12

And around 7:15 we started our tour.  It was like a perpetual game of the Price Is Right.

Him:  How much do you think this leather jacket retails for at your favorite store?

Couple 1:  $500

Couple 2:  $600

Couple 3:  $250

Host:  I want to shop where you shop!

Dave:  $1  I’m pretty sure you all overbid.

Host:  Well, with our club, you can purchase this leather jacket for just $45.86

Dave:  Yes!  I won!!!

Couple 1:  Oh, my gosh!!!  You’re kidding me!!!!  How is that possible!!!  That’s awesome!!!!

Couple 2:  WOW!!  How about leather pants?  Can I buy leather pants?? WHAT A GREAT DEAL!!!

repeat with the high end, air compressor, boots, bamboo flooring, bbq, king size bed.

The whole time Couple 1 and 2 were incredibly enthusiastic.  Couple one always responded with an OMG reaction  and couple 2 always responded with some other random thing they could purchase.

Couple one actually said “Oh my gosh, I think I might poop my pants!!!”  at one point.  Who says that?

Host:  You guys are already part of “the retail club”, come be part of our wholesale club!  For just $6000 and $200 a year you can buy everything you can think of for wholesale prices!

Dave:  Can I buy apple products?

Host:  No.

Dave:  How about bose speakers?

Host:  No.

Dave:  A springform trampoline?

Host:  No.

Dave:  So I can buy anything wholesale but the stuff I’m thinking of…

Host:  But all the other things you can think of can be purchased at wholesale prices.  40% of your income goes to being part of the retail game.  By joining our whoelsale club you can now buy 40% more stuff.

Me:  Like a baby?

Host:  We really don’t sell babies.

Me:  Oh.

If you haven’t been to one of these high pressure sales pitches, you probably don’t know that there are many tiers to pressure and guilt.  First is the host who tells you all about the great deal.  He doesn’t mention money or cost, he just gets you super excited to buy.  Then comes the money guy who tries to convince you to purchase his deal for an obscene amount of money.  When you refuse he passes you off to the high pressure/high guilt salesman who tries to convince you again.  If you refuse he offers you a sweeter deal. If you are still standing firm, he passes you off yet again.  The final guy the sort of guy who might moonlight as a used car salesman and a hit man for the mofia.  He offers you a backdoor-fell-off-the-truck sort of deal.  When you still won’t bite, he’ll disgustedly pass you off to the girl handing out prizes.

Dave is particularly suited to going to these things because he has no problem saying no and he does not operate by guilt, peer pressure, or propaganda tactics.

After we heard the shpeel, toured the facility and played a few more rounds of “the price is right” where dave won with his $1 bid every time, we sat down with the money guy.  We were lucky and got the owner of the club.  I think it’s because they knew we were going to be a hard sale.  Unfortunately for the poor guy, he didn’t see us coming.  He was a doctor and an engineer.  He underestimated dave’s ability to keep people off topic.  Every time he’d start to talk about all the stuff we could buy dave would start talking about defibrillators and pace makers.  Then we found out he also tried law school.  This guy is seriously the most educated salesman ever!

He looks at our list of future products we might buy in our life time and sees chandelier, high end toilet and baby circled.  He ignores our list

Him:  What was the last piece of furniture you bought.

Dave:  I can’t remember the last piece of furniture that didn’t come from either my friends, family, or the side of the road.

Me:  I love Ikea!

Him:  I think you guys are at the point in your lives where you might want to start thinking about investing in some high quality things.  Sure you could go to Ikea and spend $100 on a dresser, but with our club, you could spend a little bit more and end up with some high quality furniture that will last a long time.

Me:  I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think we buy enough “stuff” to make this worth it for us.

Him:  Everyone buys stuff.

Me:  Not me, I’m a producer.

Him:  Everyone is a a consumer.  No one is a producer.

Me:  No, really, I’m a producer.  I’m an urban farmer.  I produce stuff.  The thought of spending money so that I can buy more disturbs me a little bit.

And this folks is how it’s done.  He didn’t bring in the ringers or the guilters.  He knew we were a lost cause.  He handed us off to the lady who gave us our tablet and off we went.  Well, off to the ER, because apparently that’s what we now do on Thursdays.

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that is a tad bit embarrassing and if you mention some parts to me during a baseball game, I will laugh and tactfully act like I have no idea what you’re talking about.  (which would be too long for a title)

Jake:  When are we going to move?

Dave:  We aren’t going to move for a very long time.

Jake:  maybe never?

Dave:  I don’t know.  We’ll move when God tells us it’s time to.

Jake:  God is going to get us a new house?

Me:  or a motor home.  Maybe God will say, “Sell your house and all of your belongings and become a vagabond!”  (this was done in my ‘God’ voice) and then we can travel all over the country seeing cool stuff.

Jake:  We’d have to sell all of our stuff?

Me:  Yep.

Jake:  Maybe I could keep some toys.

Me:  Stuff isn’t really part of the vagabond lifestyle. How about this:  I’ll let you keep a library card and a deck of cards.

Dave:  Jacob, we are not going to move for a very long time.

Later

Jake:  I’d like to pray.

Me:  okay.

Jake:  Dear God, please let us be vagabonds, but please don’t ask me to get rid of all my toys.

***

(dave doing our finances)

Dave:  What was this check for $20.80 to KCLS for?

Me:  Oh, that was to the library.

Dave:  For what?

Me:  Um, overdue library books.

Dave:  That’s ridiculous!  Don’t you get email reminders?

Me:  Yes.  Think of it like a small rental fee.  We check out hundreds of books a month.  You say late fee, I say investment in our children’s future.  Or you could think about it as an investment in the library.  I’m sure it might even be tax deductible.  Maybe, my forgetfulness is going to save us money in the long run.

Dave:  That’s not how it works. That $20 is coming out of your budget!

Me:  Wait!  I have a budget?  Okay.  That’s fine.  Instead of buying 6 bottles of wine, I’ll buy 3 boxes of wine.  I’m sure that will save $20.

Dave:  Nevermind.

 ***

We watched Tombstone with the kids last night.  It has been declared the new favorite movie by all three of the older ones.

Mike: Is there a part two to this movie?

Me:  No, this is a true story.  This is all there is.

All three kids: WHAT?!?!

Me:  Next movie, Schindler’s list.

***

My favorite part of the movie:  When Wyatt Earp meets the beautiful actress out on a horse ride.  Queue romantic music.

Mike:  I’m going to the bathroom.  You don’t have to pause it.  I don’t need to see this kissing part.

Marshall:  Me either.  I’ll be right back too.

About an hour into the movie, after 5 minutes of non-stop questions Dave pauses the movie.

Dave:  Okay, Get it over with.  Ask all your questions now.

Mike:  Wouldn’t it be awesome if instead of a shot gun, Wyatt Earp had a portal gun and opened another dimension and aliens came out of it?

Dave:  Does anyone have any questions that pertain to this movie, not a hypothetical movie?

 ***

This may be a little bit too much information, but I’ve recently had my magic removed.   We aren’t trying for a baby, but my body just needed a little break.

Dave:  What’s your plan.

Me:  Think of it like a science experiment.  I’m eliminating this variable and we’ll see if  anything  changes.

Dave:  Um, like implantation?

Me:  No.  There are lots of other forms of contraception.

Dave:  Then we should use them.

Which winded up that I had to go and purchase said contraception because I avoid the pharmacy like the plague.

Dave:  So, is there something you wanted to tell me?

Me:  About what?

Dave:  Well, you bought “Make him last longer and her go faster”.

Me:  Don’t read too far into that.  I was standing in front of a whole display of these things and trying to figure out the per use cost – and do you know these things cost like a $1 each?!

Dave:  Well worth it.

Me:  And I didn’t know which ones to buy and I didn’t want to buy a jumbo pack which would lower the cost to like $0.45 per use, but what if I don’t like ribbed for her pleasure?  and then we’d have 50 of these things left and I’m pretty sure they have no resale value on craigslist, at least, I hope people aren’t buying these off of craigslist. And if I had to throw them away, the per use cost would skyrocket to like $25.00

Dave:  Again, well worth it.

Me:  So, after I’d been standing here for a long time, seemingly engrossed in the condom display, I was rather embarrassed.  What if someone I knew walked by while I’m engrossed on the condom aisle at Target?

Dave:  Don’t be embarrassed because you have a sex life.

Me:  The story I’m going with is either a)we’ve only done it 4 times or b)immaculate conception.  Maybe one of these children could be Jesus’ brother.

So anyways, I was standing there embarrassed for standing on the ‘Family Planning’ Aisle, which should be renamed Anti-family planning aisle.  So I bought the ones that fell right in the middle of the average range.  And this was them. And to tell you the truth I didn’t look too closely at the box.

And then I had to add a few things to the cart so that I wouldn’t just be buying these and I’d have to endure that awkward moment with the checker.  So I added a bottle of wine and some deodorant, bandaids and a package of socks.  Then I artfully stacked them all on the conveyer belt so the contraception was on the bottom.  Then I started the most animated conversation with the checker ever to distract her from what I was buying.  So really, it doesn’t matter what the per use amount was for these things  because I spent $40 on stuff I really didn’t need, well except for the wine.  I needed the wine after that.

Dave:  So you do know that $25 a pop is still much cheaper than a month of diapers right?

***

This week is VBS at our church. The Bible verse for Monday was 1Samuel16:7 People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Mike looking over Dave’s shoulder while he was posting his blog on facebook:  Dad, I think facebook is very much like today’s bible verse.  All these people are judging by things on the outside.

Ouch.

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